How to be friends with your schizophrenic neighbor:

You've just moved into your apartment, and all is well. The hiss of the radiators only keeps you up for half of the night now, and you've grown accustomed to banging on the window to ensure that the pigeons don't nest there. (Bird babies are as ugly as all get out.) All that is left to do is a load of laundry.

You venture downstairs. You pass a new neighbor smoking on the steps. In the spirit of friendship you glance up. Smile. Say "hello."

"Fucking, shitty-assed watermelons!"

Don't be alarmed. Your neighbor is merely schizophrenic. You can spend the next three years making mad dashes to the laundry room when he appears to have returned to his cave, or you can follow these simple rules and become his friend.

1) Do not shy away when, passing your neighbor, he begins yelling about that "fucking Texan whore." Assume that he is referring to another female Texan, and resolve to show him that you are not ALL whores.

2) Make a note of your neighbor's clothing when you pass him on the steps. If he is wearing trendy clothes, you can safely assume that his relatives have been to visit and he is on his meds. It would be appropriate to greet him at this point. If he is wearing his old Hawaiian shirt and a dirty jacket, it is best to pass by under the assumption that any attempt to start a conversation will be greeted with some particularly spicy expletives.

3) Try to become comfortable with having the word “fuck” yelled at you, or at least in your general direction. If you happen to live with a significant other, they can help you with this task. The more desensitized you are, the easier it will be to keep a straight face whenever your neighbor verbally attacks the invisible mob lurking right behind you.

4) Bake him cookies for Christmas, and don’t be surprised if he refuses to answer his door, even though you will be able to hear him shuffling around inside. Just wait until the next time he emerges for a smoke break to present him with your gift. This will not make him like you any more, but it will make you feel better about yourself.

5) Use your super sleuth skills and the mailbox area to find out his first name. Make a point of greeting him daily. This will, again, make little difference to your neighbor, but you’re in it for yourself anyway, right?

6) Don’t be hurt if, after months of work, your neighbor still doesn’t seem to like or even recognize you. It is always possible that he does, but if he doesn’t, at least the thought of doing the laundry doesn’t give you nightmares quite as often as those baby pigeons do.